"Creatures of Grief: The River Maker" (Copy)

The River Maker (Creatures of Grief Series) is a grieving mountain, an ancient and seemingly eternal witness, whose tears of grief are the source of Life giving Rivers. The River Maker turns swamps and deserts into flowing streams and colorful blossoms. Its vast and deep ability to grieve is an offering on the altar of Courage and Love.

The River Maker came to me in January 2024, when I lost my grand mother, towards whom I have felt both deep love, yearning and profound attachement, as well as anger, hatred and mistrust. She was an active complicit in crimes of incest perpetrated against me by my grand father when I was a child. She was someone I had both compassion and rage for. Someone who brought up in me feelings of ultimate betrayal and injustice as well as my inner child’s unmet yearning to belong with her and be loved by her. And as I grew up, the painful awareness that I had been sacrificed and abandonned on the altar of their own darkness, so that they could hold on to their warped sense of self and reality and avoid facing themsleves with all that they truly were: a lot of Light, and a lot of Darkness.

This fate, of being sacrificed as the scapegoat for the group’s shadow, is a fate that a lot of children seem to be condemned to in our culture.

The grieving process has been a mind and heart expanding journey, where I've been trying to honor and hold each parts of myself, their voices, feelings and their stories. I've grieved the person I wish she had been and I've grappled with who she might actually have been.

I've let each and every one of my emotions and thoughts have their full and rightful place in the realm of my heart and soul. I haven't tried to make one right and one wrong. Because I simply couldn't. They all felt entirely true.
I've tried to maintain peace between those seemingly opposite territories. I've tried to feel vast enough, to stretch my heart wide enough so they all had the room they needed. So they knew they didn't have to destroy one another to be able to exist. And somehow the acceptance of those tensions, the co-existance of pain and love, is what has felt like true peace.

"Creatures of the Inner Child: The Heart Guard" (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child: The Life Singer" (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child Series: The Lunatic Keeper of Knowing Rivers" (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child: The Mother eartHeart" (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child: The Fire Keeper" (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child: The Muddy Star Gazer". (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child Series: The Will" (Copy)

"Creatures of the Inner Child series : The Leading Embrace" (Copy)

One night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was suddenly overflowed with images of little creatures.
They looked as though they had been drawn by a child. All of them were sort of chimeras, with little colored and golden scales and feathers. They were persistant in my mind's eye and came back several nights in a row. One night not long after Christmas, they kept me up and I just had to get up and make a note of them. I was away for the holidays and the only papers I could find at hand were envelopes. I drew a small series of them right there and then.
Later I started painting them. That’s when I started to realise they were all creatures that my inner child had created years ago to look after my heart, to play when I was alone, scream when I couldn’t, sing when I cried, and go on adventures to expand the known land of my soul. They are fiercly playful, unapologetycally themselves, and they hold the purpose of aliveness.

This watercolor and gold leaf series explores the archetypal structure of the psyche, and its symbolic relationship with genesis myths where the forces of order and chaos bring about creation.

“The Conception of Horus” 30x30cm
Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper.

“Fragmentation (Chaos)” 36x51cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper.

“Lovers” 30x30cm
Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper.

“Cosmos” 36x51cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper.

“Encounters” 30x30cm
Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper.

“Mana” 36x51cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper.

This watercolor and gold leaf series explores the various symbols of of winter through the lense of mythology, psychology and alchemy.
Inspired by the artists's will to learn from her depression, this series delves into the wisdom of grief, heartbreak, conflict, sacrifice, symbolic death, transformation, love and regeneration.

“Sacrifice to the Sun”, 25x25cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper

“Always Carried”, 30x30cm Japanese watercolor and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper

“Fertile Struggle”, 30x30cm Japanese watercolor and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper

“Dancer”, 25x25cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper

“Fortress (a portrait of Françoise)”, 25x25cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper

“Heartbreak: Animal Heart, Angel Prayer” 15x15cm, Japanese waltercolors and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper

“Embracing Anger” 20x30cm Watercolor, Acrylic and Golden leaf on paper

“Genesis”, 25x25cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper

“The Heart Player”, 30x30cm Japanese watercolor and golden leaf on handmade cotton paper

“Peace”, 25x25cm, Japanese watercolors and golden leaf on paper

“Medusa (Compassion)”, 25x25cm, Ink on paper

“Siren”, 25x25cm, Ink and Acrylic on paper

“The Three Hearted Lion”, 25x25cm, Japanese watercolors on paper

“Conflict (Re)Solution”, 20x30cm, Japanese watercolors on handmade cotton paper

“Winter Works” is a deeply personal series that has slowly re-enlivened my heart and reminded me of what love feels like, even in emptiness.

The collective dreamworld and the intimate one, the alchemical laboratory where the unconscious goes through the fire, conscious human experiences such as grief, fear, loss, conflict and longing…

Winter Works attempts to hold both the cold Embracing darkness and the precious Creative embers of warm light around which we gather during our soul's winter months.

THIS SERIES IS AN EXPLORATION OF THE WHOLENESS AND RICHNESS OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL, PHYSIOLOGICAL, AND SYMBOLIC EXPERIENCES OF WINTER, BOTH WITHIN AND AROUND OURSELVES.

It honours the many lives and deaths, conflicts and dissolutions that our heart goes through during a seemingly still and slow time.

It honours the power that accumulates in the small dormant seeds that will eventually spring out.

It honours a necessary patience, and the rewarding power of held tension, surrender, dissolution, and distillation.

It is dedicated to the creative forces of love that move our truest self.

It acknowledges the dark reality and complexity of our human soul, and its need and capacity to give and receive unconditional love.

It is a grateful nod to the knowing that there are such things as healing and growth, no matter how infinitesimal; and that we can become the Queens and Kings bringing peaceful acceptance and coexistence to the conflicted war zones of our inner lands.

MY HOPE IS THAT IF WE CAN BE SOVEREIGN TO OUR OWN SOULS, AND GOOD GARDENERS THROUGHOUT THE SEASONS OF OUR HEART, WE WILL THEN TREAT ONE ANOTHER AND LIFE IN ALL ITS FORMS WITH THE SAME LOVE AND RESPECT.

MY PERSONAL JOURNEY WITH WINTER WORKS

I'd like to open up a bit more about the birthing of this series. I feel compelled to do so mostly because I wish for a world where we can share about our challenges without shame, and value them as much as our “achievements”. They are both rich life experiences and they both bring about growth, reward and creativity.

Last autumn I had to admit to myself that I had been going through a depression for a while. I had been working through unresolved trauma for a few years, and it finally hit me that healing meant letting a lot of things die, things I hadn't even anticipated were not part of my permanent nature, things I was holding on to very tightly.

I surrendered to the depression after months of hiding it, judging it and trying to “get out” of it. I decided to swallow it like a bitter medicine and let it do its work (or I just didn’t know what else to do anymore!). This meant letting go of many stories; stories about myself or the world around me, stories that had helped me survive and feel validated by others for a long time.

IT IS A SHARED AND DAUNTING HUMAN EXPERIENCE TO BE CONFRONTED BY AND STRIPPED FROM MOST OF OUR BELIEFS ABOUT OURSELF AND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS, ABOUT BELONGING, ABOUT PEACE AND CONFLICT, ABOUT LOVE, LOSS AND FEAR.

AS I STARTED DOING SO, I HAD TO FLOAT FOR A WHILE IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE, EMPTY, DESPERATE, DORMANT STATE, WHERE I COULDN'T FEEL LOVE, HOPE OR JOY. BUT WHERE I SOMEHOW HELD ON TO A DEEP KNOWING AND TRUST THAT THIS WAS PART OF A TRANSFORMATION; THAT EMPTINESS WAS NOT A PERMANENT STATE, BUT A NECESSARY ONE TO MAKE ROOM FOR SOMETHING NEW.

This helped me bear the discomfort and not let my darkest thoughts take the wheel.

At my utmost state of surrender, I was so incapable of finding the impetus for life that I decided to doggedly follow any guidance or advice coming my way. And I was told very clearly to make art. Having a creative output seemed like an impossible mountain to climb, worlds and realities away from where I felt I was.

I EVENTUALLY SAT DOWN AT MY DESK, AND AT FIRST THOUGHT I COULD NEVER PUT PEN TO PAPER, AS I FELT LIKE A HOLLOW STONE AT THE BOTTOM OF A STAGNANT AND DARK SEA.

But nevertheless, I sat there for all the hours I could afford, waiting for some "inspiration" to reveal itself, to "come" to me.

After hours of frustrating thirst and uncomfortable nothingness, I realised that I didn't have to find anything else than the authentic hollow presence I was. I started drawing from that place of truth, and the images and emotions came flooding in.

THE VERY FIRST WORK I DREW WAS “THE KING OF HEARTS”, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY “THE LABOURER” AND “COMPASSION”. LIKE DREAMS, THEY (SOMETIMES) STARTED MAKING SENSE ONCE THEY WERE COMPLETED.

The titles would make themselves known during the drawing process, sometimes hinting at me what I was drawing. It was like noticing and tending to the last remaining embers of my heart. For weeks my desk was the only place where I could feel life going through me in that way, and so I showed up for it everyday.

I FELT THAT IN ALLOWING MY MOST SECRET, INTIMATE, VULNERABLE INNER SPACES TO OPEN ONTO THE PAPER, I WAS NOT JUST REVIVING MY OWN SOUL, BUT ALSO TOUCHING SOMETHING HUMAN AND COLLECTIVE, SOMETHING THAT COULDN'T EXPERIENCE LONELITUDE, SOMETHING THAT BATHED IN A CROWD OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, RECOGNITION, BELONGING AND INVISIBLE SUPPORT. SOMETHING DEEPLY ALIVE.

Drawn straight from my heart, each work presented here is also informed by my interest in human alchemy, the works of C. G. Jung, Nature's ecosystemic love language, human Mythology, and a deep belief that Life in All its Forms is one vast porous creature, whose shape repeats itself from the micro to the macro, from the invisible shapes of our soul to the forming of our cosmos.

I consider my work to be representing scenes of the human soul, which can be seen through our heart's eye.

WINTER WORKS CARRIED ME THROUGH WINTER AND TOWARDS SPRING. I HOPE THAT SOME OF THOSE IMAGES CAN CARRY FRUITS FOR YOU.

TaïsBean_InstallView_GuestProjects_Ghost_02.jpg

Shown at Mint Works’ GHOST group show, 26 Oct. - 10 Nov. 2018, at Guest Projects, London. Photos by Hicham Gardaf

Spectral Spine - A skeleton of what remains, 2018
Here is a secret map to limbs of limbos, inhabited by lingering ghosts, guests wanting to remain hosts. Hearts slit up into landslides, age old or juvenile breakages, landscapes, scraps of escapes. Settlements burnt out by madnesses, birthing nomadesses. In one's heart grows a home like a tree would grow, pulled by light and shaped by shaded phrases. The Spectral Spine is the first chapter for a vaster mapping of all these things, and maybe more. This Spectral Spine feeds on stories, it can be exchanged with a walk through the beneficiary's chosen area. During the walk the current Spine's owner (Taïs Bean) and the beneficiary will ask each other any question that they want about lingering ghosts, about each other's Spectral Spines. The only rules are : total honesty and confidentiality. The walk will not be documented by any means, and will only live through a secret memory. This is the only way this work can ever be exchanged. It has no monetary value whatsoever., 2018